aging, the new math

When I was a child, my parents were terrorized by what they referred to as “New Math” which was what my generation was taught in school. They had no idea what “carry the 1” meant. In recent years, we’ve developed another baffling “new math”– age denial math.

30 is the new 20.

20 is still the old 20.

40 is the new 30.

50 is the new 40.

60 is the new 40.

What’s the new 50? There isn’t one.
No one is 50 anymore. Skip over that.

What’s wrong with us? I’m adrift in a sea of newly reassigned age groups and doing a 10-year stint in a demographic everyone has simply chosen to ignore? They say all this insane age-shifting is supposed to reflect how far we’ve come in terms of health care, fitness and personal care, but to me it feels more like society has decreed that looking, acting, or feeling your age is a sin.

Adding to the confusion, those of us who are aging without the benefit of great gobs of money and free time are spoiling the fantasy of eternal youth for the others. We’re danger signs, reminding everyone what they will look like if they don’t resort to heroic measures. I personally feel the beauty and pharmaceutical industries should pay us for this service. The folks who make Botox should subsidize every wrinkle on my forehead and pay me to parade around in public.

I’m 55 and, like other vintage mid-century items, I show some wear.  This is what 55 looks like on a shoestring budget. This is the sum of decades of hard work + tons of stress + careless sunscreen application. This is reality. Get over it. Get over it NOW!

Still, it will be great to be 40 again in 5 years.