It’s day 3,000 of the winter of 2014…
I’m trapped in my house, suffering from a knee injury and severe underemployment. Outside my window is the ever-expanding pile of WHITE. If I look out my window at just the right angle, I can see color – the neighbor’s house, a pine tree, the blue sky – but I know the white is lurking below… The white is everywhere.
Slowly. Going. Crazy.
Last weekend I swear I saw the “White Walkers” heading for the wall. Maybe it was just my neighbors with snow blowers. Can’t be sure, my brain has frostbite.
Snow is piled everywhere. 20 degrees now sounds like a heat wave. And the forecast for the rest of the week? Snow, more #$%!@!!! snow! How can there BE more???
The sun is shining. That’s just winter trying to lure me outside to turn me into a block of ice. I fell for that trick twice last week. If you smile and wave at a neighbor, you will crack.
The indoors isn’t much safer.
There’s a white powder on the inside of all my clothing – powder that used to be my skin. I am turning to dust. Soon I will be just another pile of “the white.”
Static sparks have become blue lightning bolts that zap the dogs whenever I approach. I am Zeus and the dogs are not amused.
Even indoors, I layer clothing to the point where I can barely move. Getting undressed at night takes 15 minutes. I am like a giant beach ball made of fleece. If I fall, I will bounce.
Despite that fact that my heat bill is now larger than the national debt, there is frost on the walls of my closet. I need an ice scraper for indoors.
I have eaten hot oatmeal for breakfast for what seems like 500 consecutive days.
I try to keep my spirits up by singing while I tidy up the kitchen.
“Imagine all the Fritos
living life in peas…
You may say I’m a demon
but I’m not the only one
Someday you’ll join us
And the world will eat a bun…”
Wait, that doesn’t sound right, try another one.
“If you like it then you should have tied a string on it…
If you like it then you should have set something on it…
Something’s wrong. Maybe I have oatmeal poisoning.